The Centre of the Universe

I watch my little one,

So sure of his importance,

He’s genuinely confused 

when he doesn’t get his way,

Disbelief filling his face 

when he hears a solid no.

My little planet, 

thinking he’s a sun, 

everything should revolve

around him.

He’s starting to realize 

life isn’t what he thinks it should be,

a hard lesson at such a tender age.

He fights against it, 

being as cute as he can,

crying 

when he hits his sister, 

snuggling instead of going to bed.

I cave in, 

swayed by his blue eyes,

My fresh evening star

Pamper

I very much enjoyed today. It was a beautiful Sunday, although it started out colder than I was prepared for, 

so I chose to do my run inside in the treadmill.

I listened to freakonomics, a podcast I just found last week, and found myself motivated to become amazing at something, anything really, as I have many areas I could stand to improve in.

The podcast was on the theory of 10,000 hours to become great at something- 

whether music or whatever- 

and I found myself wondering if I had that kind of dedication, what could I accomplish?

Then I realized I’ve put that and more into my current activities and was a little bummed, 

as at most I could be considered proficient. Nice, but hardly record book material.

Managing to brush off this horrible blow, I came inside and spent the morning with my kidlets. 

They didn’t care that I’m not amazing at one specific thing, 

as I can make a mean peanut butter and Nutella waffle sandwich.

So there.

And then I had the chance to pamper myself.

After doing some household tidying and throwing supper in a crockpot, I went to Starbucks without a clear agenda. 

I had a peaceful breakfast alone, without deadlines or paperwork to accomplish.

And the joy of this was even though I didn’t have anything I needed to do,

I got done a whole bunch of stuff that will make my week that much easier.

A good supper, good company wth friends, and slide shows of beauty, with a night cap before bed.

Mmm. 

Sunday this week is a day of mental rest,

which was much appreciated.

Oh yeah, ever notice how much cats like sleeping on clean laundry? Yeah, me neither.

Age is irrelevant 

So tired. It’s only nine o’clock, but the week has been long.

In between meetings and obligations, I’m not sure how I did it all. 

Saturday night now, 

and I want to sleep after the day, week, month I’ve had.

I remember when nine was when you started getting ready to go out on Saturday, as no one showed anywhere before ten.

Even then, I thought it was a waste to wait so late to have fun. 

But I’ve completely surpassed that blasphemy, arriving at a place where after nine means getting ready for bedtime, 

not partytime.

What makes one old? 

Age is, I believe, completely irrelevant.

I can be old one minute and so young the next. 

Children are the perfect vehicle for this transformation. 

They bring me to a sillier, simpler, younger time, but leave me feeling ancient after attempting to keep up with them.

Two out of three puked today, which doubled my age, although the cuddles from a child not quite feeling at their peak brings you back around to the age you should be.

I finished revising a book today, which left me feeling the quiet and bookish pride of a tweed wearing librarian. Age? Irrelevant when pride enters the equation.

As I contemplate my day, I listen to the soft sounds of coughing and realize the most amazing thing.

I may feel old and tired as I ready myself for sleep,

But full of love and pride, I’m forever young inside.

The last

One lonely leaf

Drifts down,

Gently settling

On the ground 
Slowly it fades 

Into its peers,

Orange turning brown

Until it disappears 
Once bright green

It’s life is past, 

come full circle

Death arrives at last

Mighty 

Some days I feel so small,

a tiny cog in a big wheel, 

ready to crush me under 

it’s uncaring weight.

Alone in a group,

Odd and out of place. 

Not quite in step

With the rest of the human race.

Then I remember what happens

With giant machines.

They may tremble

and shake the ground,

but a small striped cog

can be so mighty 

entire works will grind to a halt

without it 

Unsettled 

The feeling curls around my throat,

Loose at first 

then becoming 

Tight,

The coils of a python trapping me

Within a tight embrace

I wonder 

Will I escape?

Shiny though the scales are, 

warm and smooth,

Soft in the caress of death. 

Deceptively dangerous,

I gasp for breath

Searching for a last crumb

Of release 

But one last exhale 

and it has succeeded 

Where I have failed

Sail away

It’s a tired day today. Nothing wrong, no giant stressors, but tired, 

weary in my bones.

I’ve caught myself dreaming of a real vacation today in a way that I haven’t for awhile.

It feels like the last time I was free was forever ago, 

and I’m not sure how to get there anymore. 

How do I switch off? 

Do I need to leave the country? 

I’ve been thinking how nice retirement sounds, and the idea of living on a cruise ship has crossed my mind a few times.

Life on the open sea sounds so pleasant. 

Drifting away for a year and a day.

Stopping at ports around the world to explore and eat new foods. 

Meeting new people and learning new languages.

Leave behind the daily stress and tentative agreements we make to keep the peace. 

Forget about responsibilities and deadlines

Be free to do everything or nothing, following the weather to warmer climes.

My head pounds as I listen to my children protest bedtime. 

I’ll go in for the fifth time, 

Dreaming of sun and sea while I do the mean mom act.

Glorious day

Today was a full and busy day. My beautiful little girl turned five, and dressed herself in sequins and jewelry befitting her princess status.
She twirled and smiled, pleased that it was her special day and not a tear was seen, even when her brother hit her with her new Barbie. 
I was very impressed.

Work was also interesting. 

My second Monday in my own place, I managed to set off the alarm. Frantically I found the key code and punched it in, heart racing from such a rude start to the morning.

I looked at my schedule with wide and confused eyes. Somehow over the Friday and weekend, I’d had mass cancellations. 

I worried I’d be unable to handle the boredom of such an empty day just long enough for four urgencies to fill the empty spots.

It was a rewarding and busy day after the initial alarming beginning, and I had just enough time at lunch to format my book and set it up for preorder. 

My first book is on preorder on the anniversary of my second child’s birth. 

I never thought this moment would come when she was born. Being an author had always been a dream, not a reality.

Until today. 

What a glorious day.

The birthday party

The day before my middle child’s birthday was a busy one. 

All of the preparations that go into normal life milestones unfolded in quick succession.

First, we waved our goodbyes to friends who’d been staying with us, envious of their week venture into the Rockies in Bob, the RV. 

 A trip that we most likely will never take, if we sell Bob as planned. As much as I love that truck, the reality that bites does so with a sting.  

It’s not practical for us to keep it at this stage with everything else in our lives. And we likely won’t use it for at least another 5 years. 

The kids are too young to go to the places I want to take them, and I know myself well enough to know that if I took them now I would hate it. I would worry the entire time, and they would be bored, and it would be so loud and painful for everyone.

But oh, as they left I was green. Happy for them, but blue for me. So more of an aqua, I guess.

Once I managed to calm my inner childless selfish person, I tidied for the party that would happen in less than three hours. 

I allowed myself one hour of editing, feeling as though I’m writing to a deadline which is not actually the case, but makes for more productiveness on my part.

Then the last minute buying of the non-food party food. Pizza and hot dogs, chips and cake.

Of course, we had to actually force the kids to sit down to graze, but fun was certainly had by all. 

The easiest way to throw a birthday party, which I have found out completely by accident is this;

  Invite the entire class, but don’t put the child’s name on the invite that the party is for. And also, don’t hand them out until the Wednesday before the party on the weekend.  

It wasn’t intentional, but worked brilliantly.  

Only three other children showed up. This meant I had thirteen children running around, but also six adults this time.  

I walked away with my sanity and consider this a huge success.

We have many left over hot dogs in the fridge, and I’ve already had three pieces of cake and may take another gravol before bed, but we survived birthday number 5 for my Princess Samantha.

Recreate 

Sometimes you have to start fresh, explore what you want from the world.

Get away, and see the world through new eyes, as though each thing you encounter is unknown.

When things get stale and 

your groove 

becomes a rut 

which becomes a hole, 

It’s time to start climbing until you can see daylight again.

So many times our responsibilities to our lives weigh us down, 

but they don’t have to. 

What if instead of chains, we could look at them differently? 

As gifts we are blessed with instead of chores we are burdened by?

On a day when you feel your children have sucked the life out of you, 

remember instead the time they made you laugh until you cried by something ridiculous they said in complete innocence.

When you feel work is unbearable, think about why you are there. 

Do you like what you do, but hate where you do it? 

Or are you stuck in a place that doesn’t fulfill you? What could you change? 

What do you love doing? What are you good at?

On a day when you feel people in your life don’t understand you,

Think instead whether you understand them, 

or yourself.

First, 

start from within. 

Recreate what you want to see in the mirror, love yourself, and try to improve every day. 

The only thing we can control in life is how we see the world. 

So be the person you want to be, and make the world the one you want to live in. 

One change at a time.